My Bible college has, in recent years, made February a month they focus on praying for alumni, etc. I received a phone call today from someone at the school, asking if they could pray for me. After we hung up, I recalled when I got the same phone call around this time last year.
We had just picked up Anna and Tommy from the airport, and I shared with the sweet person on the other end how we were in a really toxic church situation, and desperately needed wisdom, and peace. She prayed for me, a mess of tears, and a month later we escaped church hell.
A year later, where are we?
For starters, when I say we are free – I mean it. If anyone out there still sees me as a church femme fatale, please rest assured: my speaking plainly is not because I am still a victim of toxic leaders. I speak plainly because facts are facts.
Forgiveness from the abused does not change the abuser into a sweetie pie. Repentance does. That is in God’s hands.
We did a lot of church hopping over the past year. It was terrible enlightening.
I realized that although I was trained for traditional church, I was raised in traditional church, I am not made for traditional church. Church culture makes me sick, and I have little to nothing good to say about anything within it.
The Lord, however. Wow. He’s amazing. He called me out of what I like to call the Matrix of Church. Absolutely rocked my world. God showed me how I was misusing the verse “whatever your hand finds to do, do with all your might.” (Maybe you’re not, but I was.)
I made serving in church my biggest goal. The truth, is that what God out in my hands was my family. My children, my husband, our home. And me, honestly. I was making sacrifices that God didn’t ask me to make, in His name – and we suffered because of it. No matter how nice a blessing it was to PEOPLE…I don’t think it blessed the Lord.
I stopped cooking for the homeless, which I loved, but the Lord made it clear it was time to move on. He filled my place almost immediately.
We stopped church hopping on Sundays, in addition to our communion on Saturdays.
Yes, correct. We go to church on Saturdays, now. Where? Funny you should ask, it’s downstairs in my parent’s apartment. And for the first time in I don’t know how many years, I have tangibly felt the presence of the Lord like a thick cloud. Like a weighted blanket.
It’s unreal. To sit in church and not leave confused anymore? To sit in church and not have to stop singing during worship because the song is glorifying myself and not the Lord? To know without a doubt that the pastor sits in God’s presence regularly because I literally have observed him doing so for my whole adult life, and then some (I don’t remember a lot before the age of 10-14 😅🙃)
To sit in church and not be cajoled for ten minutes that I need to sow seeds into God’s kingdom with my wallet (well, my husbands. I barely know where my wallet is half the time.)
To sit in church and know there’s no corrupt or unethical dealings behind the curtain BECAUSE THERE IS NO CURTAIN. To know that the head authority of the church is God, not prophets or apostles, or some committee.
We have communion every week. It’s amazing. You should visit sometime.
Anyway.
Homeschooling has been great. I’m taking better care of my health. My huge stress-eczema flare is almost completely clear. I’m going to be 33 this week. Things are good.
God is good. He has been good each and every day, and has shown Himself true to His Word over and over again.
So thank you, random Summit person. Thanks for reminding me where we were a year ago, and that the morning finally came after a long, long night.
a different kind of woman 