I’ve overwhelmed myself this month. Between lifestyle changes, the emotional high of having such a good January, and my constant battle between “I’m going to fail,” and “I don’t want to fail,” and just seeing how long the road is to losing 100+ lbs, plus numerous other things – everything just got together, and I’ve let them become a burden on my shoulders. Monkeys on my back, as it were. When I’m overwhelmed, I snack, and watch videos on my phone, to distract myself. I’ve been doing that a lot this month. I stopped tracking my food because I didn’t want to face the reality of what was happening.
So, today…I took a walk. I think I’ve always known that walking is the answer for me. Walking, and drinking water. That’s what it comes down to, right? I had some guacamole, and I just knew in my gut that I wasn’t going to stop trying to find food to eat, so while Tim and the kids were napping, I took a walk.
The block around our house is just under a mile, and I used to be able to make at least three rounds around it regularly (we live in the apartment above my parents, where I used to live before I got married.) By the time I neared the end, I felt that now familiar discomfort in my back, my knees, my feet. I felt guilty for not waiting to take the walk with my family, I felt guilty for not going on walks all this time, I felt guilty for being so heavy that I’m hurting my body, while trying to help it.
Guilt, guilt, guilt. Shame, shame, shame. Worry, worry, worry.
I don’t intend on staying this way, but writing it out helps get it off my mind. My mind has been very full this month.
Thanks for reading.