“I’m really not fun.”

The super bowl is today. Yes, I realize that I did not capitalize this “proper noun.” A friend from church asked if we were going to the fellowship/game viewing that our church is hosting tonight. When I replied “Nah, I hate the super bowl,” she responded with “Well, I’m sorry we won’t see you.” My response to this was atypical from the usual “Yeah, well ya know….” I told her to be glad, because all I’d do is talk about how there’s children being trafficked during the game, and ultimately, would not be a fun person to be around.

I’m…well, over the last two years, I’ve become very vocal about certain things. The biggest being pedophilia, human trafficking, and political corruption. The place that I talk about these things the most is Facebook, and Twitter. Instagram is where I’m my more subdued, aesthetically pleasing, socially acceptable self.

People may not admit this to my face, but I know I’ve probably ruined a few relationships because of this…campaign? I have no idea what you’d call it. I’m sure that people who don’t know me well are freaked out, people who have known me for years wish they didn’t, and well…I’m okay with that.

I’m almost constantly running my list of friends through my head, thinking about who is going to be quietly offended by me next. Who is going to “unfriend” me, and hope I don’t notice? Thankfully, some people still talk to me, and don’t talk down to me like I’m a stupid psychopath. I feel like I’d prefer it if people were just honest, but I also can’t handle criticism, so it’s a double-edged sword.

I guess it’s always on my mind because I’m thinking about my 30th birthday. A year ago, I had this plan to get all my best girlfriends together in an AirBNB somewhere, and celebrate with brunch, and just relax together. When I think about that idea now, the list is….well, it’s much shorter than it was a year ago, let’s say. I’m thankful for the people who still love me despite the challenging, upsetting things that I’ve decided to sort of devote myself to exposing. I still love the people who are ignoring me, but aren’t being honest with me. I’ll keep trying to be a friend until people tell me to stop.

But it would be nice if you just told me it was over, instead of blaming the algorithm.

Life is wild. People are wild. Relationships, friendships…But I’m looking forward. I’m trying to keep in my sight, the people who are still around me. There’s plenty of them, some old, many new. I’m thankful for the new relationships that God has opened doors to, I hope these friendships can continue to grow, despite little time, the chaos of kids, and the fear of scaring people away by just being myself.

But there’s no time for inauthenticity! High school’s over. College is over. We’re not creating ourselves anymore – we’re discovering who we’ve been all along, right?

Thanks for sticking with me til now…I know this post was a bit of brain vomit, but it’s my blog. So…there.

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