Foresight is 2020.

Wow, 2020. What a decade, what a time, what a life.

I’ll be 29 in 2020 – the last year of my 20s, at the beginning of a new decade. It’s the ultimate closing chapter, and fresh start. I remember Y2K twenty years ago – I was nervous that the world would end, and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my purple platform sneakers. I don’t remember if I actually had those shoes, or if I just was wishing for them, and didn’t want to miss the opportunity because of the year 2000.

I remember – with heavy sighs – 2010. The biggest event of that year was my internship, and the beginning of the end of my time in Bible college. I was…well, I guess I was almost 19 years old. A child, a baby. Dreaming of love, waiting for love. Very emotional, very irrational, very naive.

And now, going into 2020, where am I? Well, I’m married with two kids. That’s it. That’s the tweet. Just kidding, I know my life doesn’t solely revolve around being a wife, and mother. However, it does occupy the majority of my being. I’m not sure what that last third of myself is like anymore. Wife, mother, woman. My hope is that by this time next year, and I get ready to roll into my 30s, I’ll have a better idea of who Hannah the Woman is. I know who I want her to be, and that’s what I’ll be trying to work out in the New Year.

It’s weird to acknowledge that things you used to let yourself be defined by have passed on. I used to be the barista girl, who loved Batman and Nightmare before Christmas. She was sassy, and full of snark. She hated most Christian music, and loved Maroon 5 as a “guilty pleasure.”

Now, she’s….well, I dunno. I do still love being a barista, I’d like to come back to that somehow, someday. I’m not crazy about Batman like I used to be, but he’s still my favorite superhero. Nightmare before Christmas – I’d see TNBC themed things at Disney and it’d light up a part of my brain for a minute, but then it’d die down. I just…can’t love it the same way I used to. I don’t want to be very sassy anymore – definitely not snarky. I don’t like how that feels. I want to be gentle, and kind, but strong. Music is still an area that the Lord is working on, but I’ve really been convicted about it lately. I’m trying to ignore the secular songs that I used to love listening to by myself, and just find Christian music that I enjoy. It’s surprisingly harder than you’d think it would be.

Basically, I just want Hannah the Woman to be like Jesus, honestly. I know that I fall short of that every day, but I don’t think I’ve ever just wanted to be like Christ like this before. I genuinely want to care of myself – body, mind, and soul. It’s hard to come out of habitually not caring about your health. Sure, I wanted things like being skinny, but as far as well-being went, it was like, “well, if I’m hurting anyone, it’s just me, and I don’t care, so…whatever.” I’ve learned over this last year, that just isn’t the case. Everything about how I’m doing, plays a part in how my husband, and kids are doing.

So here’s to 2020, and the goals I want to set (and meet) each month. The goals I want to reach by the time I turn 30. I don’t want to hold on to my life as a “20-something”, anymore. I’m an adult, and I need to live like it. All the things I want to accomplish as an adult? I know how to get it done. I know to make Hannah the Woman the woman I want her to be.

They say hindsight is 2020, but no more looking back. It’s time to look forward, and see clearly.

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