I don’t want to remember.

I don’t want to remember March through May. I don’t want to remember her first pediatrician. I felt a hunger pang at 3:45 in the morning, and minutes later was weeping from the memories of breastfeeding. Sitting in bed all night, my back slumped to the side to find a place to rest, while my daughter was cradled by my side. Her red, weepy face sticking to my shirt, or my belly. Rocking her head back and forth periodically, to itch, before settling back into sleep. Feeling the hunger pang, because my body was working so hard, but not being taken care of. My husband got into the habit of bringing me a granola bar before he left, or leaving it beside me if I happened to be asleep. I’d eat it. Sometimes I’d eat another, kicking myself for having two granola bars, but nothing with protein. But what could I have? Eggs? I couldn’t make myself eggs. I couldn’t eat yogurt, or peanut butter. So, I’ll have the second granola bar, tell myself that oats are good for milk production, maybe they’ll help.

I’m shaking as I write this because it hurts so much to remember. A gaping hole of pain in the pit of my stomach, that I can cry, and cry into, but it never fills up. The pain feels bottomless.

I don’t want to remember March through May. I know there were better days, and good moments, but looking for them is like searching for gold buried under shards of glass, and nothing but your bare hands to dig with.

It hurts. Hopefully, one day, I’ll find a shovel.


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